Batman and Robin
I do not think anyone has a problem with George Clooney’s acting as a whole; however, the smarmy and holier-than-though smirk underneath the mask of the supposedly tormented Bruce Wayne just did not make much sense.
Of course, it made much more sense than Christopher O’Donnell being given a role or Schwarzenegger’s Dr. Freeze one-liners like “The Iceman cometh” and “Why don’t you… Chill!” Uma Thurman was equally as worthless in her role as Poison Ivy. Yes, she is a tall woman with the right kind of comic book like body frame. Yes, she is attractive when dawned with the right set of makeup and wig. No, she should not have been able to ham it up as much as she did for the role.
After the dark and somewhat unsettling turn the second Batman movie gave audiences, the black-light rave that was both Batman Forever and Batman and Robin was downright laughable. And don’t even get me started on the nipple outfits.
The Blues Brother 2000
I’m not sure when it was decided that there even needed to be a remake of the classic comedy, but whomever signed off on a story involving an orphan named Buster and the rehashing of 20-year-old jokes should be ashamed of themselves.
If someone wishes to see the old jokes in the Blues Brothers movie, which stared Jim Belushi and Dan Akroyd, they can rent or download that movie. I assume they hired John Goodman so that Dan Aykroyd would still be “the skinny one.” The performances were hackery compared to the first movie and the story was simply shallow. It is always a disappointment when a classic is hurt by its distant ancestor.
Hannibal
The movie itself was not all that bad a was a making of the actual sequel to the hit novel and movie Silence of the Lambs. Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell the movie executives that when you replace the main character with a new actress and pretend nothing happened, it makes any possible assimilation of a good movie laughable.
If you were to tell anybody that a movie with a cast comprised of Anthony Hopkins, Julianne Moore, Gary Oldman, and Ray Liotta was of poor quality, they would likely think you were mad. That is, until you told them that Julianne Moore was Clarisse Starling in a new Hannibal related movie. Then you would see their eyes glaze over in disappointment.
Weekend at Burnie’s II
Really? I mean, really? Either the writers and producers had naked pictures of actors Jonathan Silverman and Andrew McCarthy or the group just made a promise to one another that they would do everything in their power to make the most ridiculous sequel ever made.
The guy is dead! Just let him be dead and move on. But no, the protagonists are wrapped up in a story involving… You know what, who knows what the story is about? It is a series of goofs and C-grade physical comedy that goes nowhere and at some point involves a girl(s) the protagonists can fall in love with.
Matrix Reloaded
Move pas the terrible acting of Keanu Reeves, just for one moment. Take a little break from hating his wholly worthless acting so you can truly appreciate the drivel that is the story of Matrix Reloaded.
Not only is there now an underground world that is somehow thriving despite abject poverty and lack of food. There are also intense raves that occur, you know, to really celebrate the fact that human’s are machine food. Once you really let that nugget of what-the-hell seep in you can move onto the supposed “deeper” story. Where the first movie gave us a fresh new and terrifying look into Nozick’s experience machine dilemma, Reloaded instead decided to give us a big pile of jargon.
The Oracle still knows all but simply continues to speak in riddles that we the viewer can deduce after three seconds of thought. This renders the movie wholly uninspiring. The “Architect” is apparently software designed by the machines to ruin a movie’s plot line. Even with three years of philosophical studies at a University, I cannot parse what the point of this character is. So Neo did exist before, but he is “the one” and simultaneously the sixth? Beyond the nominal confusion, Reloaded simply seems to say to the audience, “You know what,? We did the heavy lifting in the first movie. From here on out, let’s spiral into endless action scenes will no importance to the story.”
Caddyshack II
Sometimes you can tell that a movie fell apart in pre-production. Such is the case with Caddyshack. It is as if Bill Murray, Rodney Dangerfield, and Chevy Chase all had verbal agreements to do the sequel (likely during a coke-filled binge session), then suddenly woke up, and realized it was the worst idea ever. So what do the producers do? Scrap it? Heck no! You just take all of Murray and Dangerfield’s parts and give them to Jackie Mason.
Have you ever listened to Jackie Mason talk for more than two minutes? The man is like a good cigar. There is a time and a place for it, but when utilized chronically it just plain stinks. Chevy Chase does make an appearance in the film, but don’t blink or you will miss him.
Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2
Now, if you are saying to yourself “What is Baby Geniuses and why have I never heard of it, let alone it’s sequal?” Do not worry, that is a perfectly normal reaction.
Baby Geniuses is probably one of the most worthless movies ever created. It was not funny, interesting, enticing to any of the senses, and was wholly contrived. Even if you love babies more than anything else in the entire world, this movie will not move you in any way. This then begs the question: How the hell did they find funding for a sequel? Quite honestly, if you forced me to pick a movie that could possibly be a money-laundering scheme, it would have to be Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2.
We cannot even get into the actual worthless storyline because there is just too much of a need to point out how utterly inappropriate it is that there was a sequel created. That movie was money that could have been spent on feeding homeless people or curing cancer. Now it just sits there and is simply a waste of time and space.
